Secret Smiles

So we broke up and got back together. So u cheated on me without reason. So I have no idea what happened for those 8 to 9 days we were apart. I really don't give a fuck

.
I love you! Simple as that. As easy as it is to breathe thats how easy it is for me to say "fuck all the bad I love the good". You seemed worried though, terrified sorta? Whats going on? Afraid to show your true?


Welp we're pregnant! I love it. I wanted a baby so bad. I never ruining this again. For Mo and the new edition. Holding on for dear life too! You'll see how great this will be. Its gonna be hard I know but its gonna be the best thing in the world I swear. secretly smiling!! :)

just had to share.... til next time... dream about me!

I KNOW BETTER

new discoveries have me feeling dumb as hell right now. why am i letting this go on. i don't know how to leave him. feels like he don't know how to leave me either. we're doomed if nothing drastic happens or changes soon then we're both just being nice stuck in a lackluster relationship. maybe i just need to know what he is thinking. maybe his thoughts aren't matching mines. i need to know though and he isn't telling me. he only answers questions. thats not good enough for me. i need him to give me the real like right now.

its crazy though! when we're together everything feels so right. so normal so amazing. but when he's away. my brain takes over. too many thoughts and visions and no sleep. just me and misery. ugh! but why does it have to be this way. why are men so dumb. regardless of age. what the hell?
but if it weren't for her! i'd prob be moving on. it would prob be easier to give up. anything for my mo though!

What I Can Write but Not Speak!

I would be lying if I said "it is what it is". If you only knew how much my heart longed for you. How much I want for us to be so secure and undeniable. Unbreakable. I dunno what happened or where did we go wrong.  No matter what happens I'll always remember being addicted to loving you and how I overdosed on your companionship. I won't pretend like I'm ready to be moving on. I won't act like I never wanted to make it work. As crazy in love as we were I'll be a lot crazier without you. I still believe that we were meant to be together but what else can I do. Pull off the impossible. Make you see things you've never seen before. Be the best thing you never had. I can't though! But I can't act like you were just a bad habit. Got me feeling super bipolar right now.

Don't walk away from me. Don't turn your back on us. Don't say this this is too much right now. Don't say you're not ready and I'm pressuring you. Don't make me feel like I've been nuts all this times believing in lies that were told. Don't make me hate you. Don't be one of the ones who let me go becuz they weren't smart enough to grow up. Don't think I'm being selfish or unreasonable. Don't be a statistic. Don't make me cry or break my heart. Don't be foolish. Don't let us be wrong. Don't let this be just a fling that lasted too long. Don't let us be a mistake. Don't forget how to love me and trust me! Don't forget the great feeling you get while you're with me. Just Don't! Don't do anything regretful. 

I promise If you do right this time. Tell me what it really is.. I promise that I'll let up. I promise to do whatever it takes to make this happen and keep us happy. I promise to do whats best for us. I promise not to be selfish or stubborn. I promise I won't hold back or be afraid of loving you completely. I promise to continue to give you 200% of me.I promise to be that dream that you haven't had yet. I promise to love you like nobody ever will. I promise to do it all for you. I promise you! I promise to be the best thing that ever happened to you.

As The Tears Start to Fall

I can't stop crying. But crying in front of her is a no no! I refuse to let her see another tear come from these eyes because of a man. Her dad showed her enough of that.

Why is it though? He's a great person. But he's a man. They make us ladies shed these shameful passionate tears.
As the tears start to fall I'm wondering if I'm making a mistake
I wonder if I'm not being honest
I wonder if there is another way

As the tears start to fall I'm thinking how can I erase this madness
How can I start all over
How can I act like this never happened

As the tears start to fall I just wanna run to him and say but I love u
then say I don't know how to be without u
and say I didn't mean all those truths

As the tears start to fall I know this is the end
I know that life is changing when I don't want it to
I know that going back means playing pretend

As the tears start to fall I just wipe my eyes and hope that will be my last cry.

To Say Goodbye!

I've been trying to hold on to something that I know I can't find the positive in. If you have to be miserable just so the next person can be happy then its not worth it. I admit, if I wasn't a mother then I really wouldn't care about what goes on outside of our life together but I am so I do. Its important to know what lies ahead for my future. My future is her future and thats whats most depressing about the situation. I don't want to say good bye!

I Know What I Want

In my time of need.. I know what I want!

he gives me what I need and not what i want. my needs are temporary. my wants will last forever.
so shall i say he's temporary. even though i wanna believe otherwise. for me to say what i want and not receive is the biggest disappointment so i stay silent. to disappoint me on mistake is forgivable but to do it or purpose is disgusting. i had this saying "I get what I want" now its "I get what I want but when I don't I just decide I don't want it anymore".

i'm starting not to want this anymore. its not going the way i planned....

right now i want a family. he wants his normal life. my question is... if he is trying to keep his old life so bad why does he want me in it? selfishness!!! if we both cant be happy then we need to give each other up becuz i refuse to be the one constantly dealing with the woes of a relationship. i refuse. i may need to be with someone like him. he's calm and collected and careful. he lets me be me without complaints or restraints. he loves me but he doesn't love me enough. thats for sure.

so yes i need that but i want so much more for us. i'm no kid anymore. in fact my child is going to kindergarten. so how dare i let her be played in this situation. its not about me being patient. i can be patient but i can not continue to wait to be loved the way i want to be loved. i love him 10 times more :(

so in my time of need. i know what i want. if i can't get that then my desires may change!

im all over the place... haven't blogged in years. i'll be back better and fresher than ever!

til next time... dream about me